New Names on White Stones

Most of us gave a favourite flavour of crisp. The most common are Salt & Vinegar and Cheese & Onion. These well-known and widely understood names are not enough for crisp manufacturers which, in order to charge more, have devised grander appellations. Cheese and onion? Let’s rename it Hand Cooked West Country Cheddar & Red Onion Chutney. Mm, yes, that’s definitely West Country cheddar, says no-body ever. Salt and vinegar? So uncouth! Let’s go for Hand Cooked Sea Salt & Chardonnay Wine Vinegar Crisps. I’ll confess they taste rather good, but most crisps do. Can you imagine walking into the Co-op and asking for Chardonnay wine flavour crisps? The staff would think you pompous or ridiculous, yet it’s their own shop’s product. We mistakenly think that by renaming something we alter its nature, by bestowing a better name we improve its quality.

Over the last few decades, secondary schools rebranded themselves ‘colleges’. The word college evokes Oxford’s dreamy spires or leisurely boating on the Cam. Failing that, it at least speaks of further education, young adults working hard to fulfil careers, diligent mechanics trying to better themselves. Lancashire’s imaginative but incompetent education chiefs decided that renaming schools as colleges would make them magically better. In 2006, Habergham High School, at which I had been employed, became Hameldon Community College. Honey-coloured quadrangles and ancient libraries it wasn’t; soon it ranked among the lowest 5% of schools in the country in terms of valued-added exam results and the police were regularly called to sort out the indiscipline. Heads of Year, those staff especially charged with keeping good order, of which I was one, were rebranded Progress and Development Managers. This grandiose job title came with no more pay or power, but a whole load more unpleasant work. I left for a more old-fashioned school, one in which the staffroom until recently been called the Masters’ Common Room. Many schools have gone down the path of inventing new jobs titles: Directors of Learning, Heads of Progress, Inclusion Leads, Vice Principals- the latter evoking a wry smile, at least. In a similar vein, school pupils are now regularly described as ‘students’, once a term applied exclusively to those studying in further or higher education. By calling 11-year-olds a word usually applied to 20-year-olds, it was thought they might become more mature, awed and impressed by their new status. You may ask any teacher if this ever happened.

Some people like to name their houses, and not just the well-to-do who live in mansions too grand or ancient for common numbering. If living at 15 Sludd Street doesn’t inspire you, you might give your home a moniker, neatly inscribed on a slate sign just to the right of your front door, and insist on using it when writing letters. The Daily Express reports that Meadow, Rose Oak and Willow are favourite house names with TV and literary references also becoming popular, including Toad Hall, Thornfield and Highclere of Downton Abbey fame. I chuckled to learn some were aping the names of royal palaces: 230 are called Clarence, 133 Sandringham and 67 Balmoral. Royal Mail reports that Graceland, of Elvis connection, is most popular in Doncaster. The most common of all though, is Orchard, with nearly 12,000 homes bearing that name. Now forgive my cynicism, here. You may name your house Orchard, but it still won’t give you free apples or barrels of sparkling cider. Living at Balmoral doesn’t render you a Scotch laird and Sandringham won’t make you any less common. Give your house whatever names you fancy- but you still live at 15 Sludd Street when all is said and done.

Ah, and what about churches and their new names? I’ve complained before about pastors’ ego trips, wanting to leave a mark, show they’ve made a difference by changing a church’s name before they move on and clear off. Hope Church, Life Church, Grace Church, Luv Church. Some of these may be as loveless, graceless and hopeless as any weary Methodist; a new name seldom betters the preaching or makes the singing less egotistical. And while I’m here, what is a ‘community church’ for heaven’s sake? You can see my thoughts about trendy and often meaningless church names here.

I can’t say I’m fond of my own given names, but they are what they are and I am who I am. I’ll not be going to change them; allocating them was my parents’ right. My body and soul will remain unaltered, and my personality is more important that the collection of letters and syllables by which I’m called. Yet God changes names in the Bible, never as a cosmetic alteration but because His relationship to these people has altered. Abram became Abraham, Jacob Israel, Saul Paul. Furthermore, Revelation 2:17 states:

“He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches. To him who overcomes I will give some of the hidden manna to eat. And I will give him a white stone, and on the stone a new name written which no one knows except him who receives it.”

The Bible urges us to disdain the praise of men, and our parents told us to ignore the petty insults of others. The high or low regard in which we are held in the world is not ultimately relevant, though we naturally ought to foster good reputations where we can. Our forenames, surnames, accents and colours matter not a jot. What Christ thinks of us and the offering we bring Him -that counts. The words He speaks on our arrival in heaven- that matters. That name He gives us on our white stones -that will be the only nomenclature worthy of delight.

You shall leave your name as a curse to My chosen;

For the Lord God will slay you,

And call His servants by another name.

Isaiah 65:15

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