Hidden Sins

40 minutes before the service on Sunday morning, I did something foolish trying to switch on one of the radiators. I misjudged my situation and ended up hitting my head. For a second or so, I lost vision and cognisance, before putting out a steadying hand, regaining composure, and gathering my self-awareness for a few minutes in the toilet. I prayed I might be restored quickly so that we might commence worship and avoid fuss. The Lord was gracious, and, save a small bump and bruise (which served me well) the day continued as planned.

I pondered the event for some days afterward, especially regarding my own stupidity, the depths of which never cease to amaze me. I also thought about that brief period of blackness, of thoughtlessness, of mental absence which the knock bestowed. Perhaps it is similar to a state of drunkenness or unconsciousness. I was there, in my body, but I was briefly unaware of anything. Leviticus 5:4 states:

‘Or if a person swears, speaking thoughtlessly with his lips to do evil or to do good, whatever it is that a man may pronounce by an oath, and he is unaware of it—when he realizes it, then he shall be guilty in any of these matters’. (NKJV)

The AV renders it: ‘and it be hid from him; when he knoweth of it, then he shall be guilty...’

Evil is evil whether we intend it or not. Malice aforethought (premeditation) might attract a greater degree of heavenly opprobrium, but careless, thoughtless, or even casual malignancy must still be reckoned with. May the Lord not only deliver us from intentional evil, but that which is unintended; we need forgiving for that which is barely noticed and registered on our consciences. At Hetton Chapel, later that afternoon, we sang:

Oh, wonder of all wonders,
That thro’ Thy death for me,
My open sins, my secret sins,
Can all forgiven be.

Oh, make me understand it,
Help me to take it in,
What it meant to Thee, the Holy One,
To bear away my sin.

-Katherine Kelly, born 1869